Codependent Relationships: Power Struggles

Codependent relationships are complex, yet common. The codependent person in a relationship tends to have too much dependence on the other. The relationship becomes unbalanced, and further problems can develop. However, when the power balance is restored, there is hope for a healed relationship.

Codependent people usually have a hard time seeing how they are contributing to unhealthy relationship dynamics. It’s helpful to get an objective, compassionate viewpoint from a Christian counselor if you think you may be struggling with codependent tendencies.

Codependent Power Struggles

Power struggles in relationships can be difficult to unravel and examine on your own. However, a trained counselor will help you see the signs of codependency that contribute to power struggles and relationship problems. Here are some signs that a counselor will look for to determine if a problem exists.

• One person does most of the giving in the relationship, while the other takes without giving back.
• One person feels like what they contribute to the relationship defines their purpose in life.
• One person struggles to say “no” to the other person, even when they feel that “no” is best.
• One person makes excuses for and may even take responsibility for the other person’s negative behaviors.
• One person may feel trapped in a toxic relationship, and the other person may feel smothered.
• One person is overly concerned about the other person’s problems to the neglect of his or her own needs.
• One person has an elevated view of the other person’s value and places great significance on what the other person thinks of them.

Any of these characteristics indicate a problem with codependency. This problem often has deep roots yet can be helped with the guidance and care of a Christian counselor. You can break out of codependent behavior by learning new ways of relating to others.

Codependent vs. Healthy Relationships

Many godly, caring, good-hearted people are actually codependent. They enjoy assisting others and are even willing to take second or third place to another person’s needs. These people are kind, giving, and selfless. Yet their best qualities often cost them dearly in relationships where the power is unbalanced.

In Galatians 6:2 we are instructed to share one another’s burdens out of obedience to God. Only three verses later, we are told that “each one should carry their own load” (Gal. 6:5 NIV). God wants us to strike a healthy balance between managing what is ours to carry while also helping lift others’ burdens as we are able. However, God does not ask us to carry another person’s full load in addition to the load we are assigned to carry.

Let’s look at an example. A couple allows their 24-year-old, unemployed son to live at home rent-free. They also pay for his groceries and gas. The son is of sound mind and able-bodied for work yet refuses to get a job. When Mom and Dad carefully raise objections, the son manipulates them into allowing the situation to continue. This is a relationship dynamic impacted by codependency.

In a different example, a couple allows their 24-year-old, recently divorced son to move back home for several months until he can financially recover and get his own place. The son holds a job and helps pay for groceries during his limited stay. This is a picture of lifting someone’s burdens in a way that helps the person in need.

A healthy relationship will not overburden you. It will not cost you your self-respect or free will to decide what you want. It will not require you to say yes when you want to say no, or vice versa. You can learn how to change the relationship dynamics with the help of a Christian counselor.

How Codependency Takes Root

If you are naturally a kind, sweet, generous person who avoids conflict, you may be more likely to develop codependent traits. This problem often takes root in childhood if a healthy transfer of power fails to occur. Parents who do not offer balanced, loving care to their children can set them up for codependency.

For example, if your parent did not offer consistent and trustworthy care when you were a child, you may not have learned a healthy way to bond with others. You may have tendencies toward neediness and clinginess because you are looking to fill up a void of love that was not filled by your parents.

It may have been easier for you to deny that God-given need rather than to focus on a dysfunctional parent’s needs and give, give, give of yourself. These ingrained habits formed during childhood can set you up for codependent relationships as an adult.

You may have unknowingly gravitated toward another adult who looks for someone to take on more than their own share of the needs in a relationship. But your unmet needs from childhood, in addition to unmet needs as an adult, can create many problems for you.

You may be reading this article today because you are frustrated with the relationship, yet you don’t know what to do to make it right. It’s good that your unmet needs are propelling you to seek help. A caring, compassionate Christian counselor can help you dig out the roots of your codependent tendencies so you can take a different route forward.

Problems Related to Codependency

If you are codependent, you handle a tremendous amount of internal pressure. This pressure can cause you to avoid conflicts at all costs and take the relationship burdens on yourself. Emotional pressure can cause physical symptoms related to stress, such as an irregular heart rate, lack of concentration, disrupted sleep, gastrointestinal problems, immunodeficiencies, and other serious issues that can reduce your quality of life.

You may experience feelings of shame, guilt, depression, anxiety, or anger related to your codependent relationship. These feelings may become overwhelming at times, tempting you to act out with unhealthy coping mechanisms including workaholism, overeating, overspending, and other costly behaviors. Your self-esteem and self-worth can take hits when you are trapped in a cycle of codependency.

A codependent relationship with one person can also negatively impact your other relationships. For example, a codependent girlfriend may be so consumed with her boyfriend’s addiction that her work performance suffers, and her relationships with her coworkers become strained. In another example, a codependent parent may place too much focus on one child to the detriment of her relationships with her other children.

When you address the problems in one codependent relationship, your other relationships will also improve. Your counselor can help you learn to recognize and value your own needs, set boundaries, and get your needs met in healthier ways. Your entire quality of life can improve when you get help for codependency. There is hope for you.

Getting Help for Codependent Relationships

Codependency may be complex, but it is a solvable problem. You don’t have to struggle with it on your own any longer. With talk therapy, role-playing, and lots of practice, you can learn to overcome codependent tendencies and be more assertive. A Christian counselor can help you discover the roots of your problem, pull them up, and plant seeds of healthy behaviors.

The counselors at Carlsbad Christian Counseling are trained to help you overcome the problem of codependent relationships. We have helped many people from all different situations break free from this destructive pattern and find freedom. Contact us today to set up an appointment and learn how we can help you create a new life with healthy relationships.