Divorce and Children: How to Help Your Child Through a Divorce

When relationships break down, they often affect more than just the people in the relationship. This is especially true in a relationship as involved as marriage. When two people get married, usually their families are involved in the process, and the relationship brings two families together. Marriage also often brings children into the picture, whether they are biological, adopted, or part of a blended family situation.

Divorce is the dissolution of a marriage, but it doesn’t mean the end of all the connections forged during that relationship. Though the spouses may go their separate ways and start new lives, the children that are part of their marriage story are a part of their lives. It’s important to be aware of how divorce can affect them and to support them through the separation and divorce process, as well as after.

Some challenges with divorce and children

A divorce, even an amicable one, affects the people going through it. It marks the end of a relationship that at one time held promise and that was the foundation for many hopes and dreams. Whatever else the marriage became, it was once meaningful. The end of the relationship can bring grief, a process that takes time and that’s a bit of a rollercoaster in terms of the emotions and thoughts it brings about.

Just as a divorce affects the adults in the situation, the children are also affected. Their hopes, sense of security, and stability are impacted by the shifts a divorce introduces to their world. A divorce can have a deeply profound impact on children, regardless of their age.

Younger children often don’t have the coping skills to process what’s happened, but it’s important to pay close attention to your children, whatever their ages, and find ways to support them.

Some of the challenges that a child could face due to their parents getting divorced include the following:

Emotional distress

A child may find themselves having or experiencing feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger, and confusion as they try to process and struggle to understand the changes that are happening in their life and their family’s dynamics. They won’t necessarily know or understand the reasoning behind the divorce, which can add to the distress.

Insecurity and fear

When the only reality they know is mom and dad being together, losing that stability can bring about worry, fear, and insecurity. A child may worry that they are the cause of the divorce, or that they may be abandoned or rejected by one or both of their parents. Such fears, though they may be unfounded, can lead to a child developing a fear of abandonment, and can cause attachment issues.

Struggling with trust and relationships

One of the potential results of divorce is that the children may have trouble trusting others and forming healthy attachments with them. This can impair their ability to have healthy relationships with other people, and this includes their friends and future romantic partners.

Academic and social challenges

What happens at home can affect how a child performs at school, as well as how well they adapt and interact socially. A child’s academic performance may decline, and they may become more withdrawn, which will impact their relationships with peers.

Helping a child through a divorce

Change can be difficult for both children and adults in a given situation. Some children can have behavioral problems such as becoming aggressive or regressing, which can be indicated by bedwetting. It’s important to recognize that these are ways that the child is trying to cope with an emotionally taxing situation. When your child acts out, they are simply trying to cope.

You can help your child in various ways, including recognizing that they are also going through a rough time as the divorce goes through and is finalized. Their lack of understanding regarding the details doesn’t mean they are unaffected by the end result. That’s why it can be helpful to share, in an age-appropriate way, what’s happening and why, as well as how it will affect them. Sit down with them to explain what changes are coming, to prepare them.

It’s also helpful to keep an open door so that they can approach you to ask questions or talk through their concerns. Beyond that, reach out to them and check in with them. There may be a lot going on in your life as the process of divorce proceeds, but being intentional and checking in on the children can make a world of difference. Reassure them of your love and make bids for connection so that they know they are loved.

Every child is unique, and the effects of divorce on a child can’t be predicted; they will vary depending on the circumstances and the personality and ability to cope that the child possesses. With proper support, love, and care from both parents, however, a child can get the help they need to navigate this challenging situation and flourish.

You can also take your child to a counselor to give them a neutral, but safe space to explore their experiences. Contact our office to meet with a counselor who can help your child through this difficult time.