Which Boundaries in Marriage are Necessary?

If one has been given the gift of being married at some point in his or her life, then that relationship becomes the most important relationship, other than one’s relationship with Jesus. It is of utmost importance to protect it because it is also the most vulnerable. Marriage is not easy, and that’s an understatement. If not protected by appropriate boundaries in marriage, your relationship may not withstand the hardships that inevitably come.

Though many men in the Bible had more than one wife, this was not what God originally intended. God gave Adam just one Eve, but after the Fall marriage was one relationship that fell, too. In popular culture today, the idea of setting boundaries around one’s marriage feels restricting and not “in line with his or her truth.”

Open marriages are on the rise, and people also welcome the use of pornography as “no big deal,” even becoming something of a humorous topic. Women will laugh when their husband talks about other women’s breasts, and husbands will laugh when their wives swoon over a celebrity.

Not only this, but some couples will prioritize their children over their time together. Over time their relationship fades and grows more distant. Others will make work more important than time together, often bringing work home.

The concept needed here is boundaries, and the preceding are examples of poor boundaries in marriage. The goal is to honor God, be faithful, support one another, and come together as one. A biblical marriage will always look different than a worldly one, and this conversation is just the beginning. Healthy boundaries are necessary for a thriving, long-lasting marriage, and sadly it is a topic not discussed often enough. What does it mean to have boundaries around marriage and boundaries within marriage?

Boundaries Around Marriage

There must be measures in place to keep the marriage relationship protected from the outside. This idea is similar to a fence around the yard of a house. It clearly defines who is allowed in and where the property line is.

What this means in marriage is that there are specific things in place that protect the couple, their time together, their values, their intimacy, and their future. When these lines are blurred, relationships can suffer greatly. If there are no safeguards in place, marriages may end.

Relationship Rules

To have these boundaries, many will come up with mutually agreed upon relationship rules. This is not that one person manipulates and controls the situation so that the other person does what he or she wants at all times, even if that is harmful to the relationship or the individual.

These are created by and agreed on by both husband and wife. They benefit the couple as a whole and not just one individual in the relationship. The goal is to create these based off of a couple’s history, values, beliefs, and future goals.

Some examples of relationship rules:

• We put out phones across the room at the end of the day so that we can spend uninterrupted time together.
• We choose not to engage in any pornographic viewing or reading.
• We do not spend alone time with a person of the opposite sex.
• Divorce is not an option.
• We have a date night once a week.
• Our kids do not sleep in our bed with us.
• We intentionally do not flirt with someone who is not our spouse.
• We do not have a TV in our bedroom.
• We schedule just-the-two-of-us trips every year.
• We choose each other over extended family and kids.
• We all go to church together as a family.
• We don’t pull out our phones on date night.
• We do not date anyone else or engage in any sexual relations with anyone other than our spouse.

It is good practice to come together and brainstorm potential relationship rules, and then pick out the ones on which you both agree. These can be as specific as necessary, but they are meant to protect your time together, your future, and your beliefs.

Boundaries in Marriage

These are created to protect oneself in marriage. Though two become one in marriage, there are still two individuals with two sets of needs. There is a place to make sacrifices and not get what you want or need so that the other can have their needs met. If this is ongoing, it is a sign of an unhealthy dynamic that needs to be addressed.

No person is perfect, and each will make mistakes. There needs to be some boundaries in place for mutual love and respect to occur, for a relationship to remain an equal partnership. These could be an expression of feelings or needs, for example:

• I don’t like it when you are on your phone so much. Will you stay off of it when you come home?
• Please don’t speak to me that way.
• I don’t want to have sex tonight.
• I’m not comfortable with ….
• I need some alone time tonight.
• I need to go out with you on a date and spend some alone time together.
• I can’t go. I have a work engagement.
• I need you to pick up the kids today.
• I don’t appreciate how you spend so much money on the credit card. I need you to stop using it.
• I’m sorry. I take responsibility for ….

They are I-statements and are not positioned in the form of an attack. Another example of boundaries within marriage could be if abusive behavior is occurring:

• Not remaining in the relationship unless the person gets counseling
• Filing a restraining order
• Asking the addict to go to rehab for an extended period
• Not allowing drugs in the house
• Standing up for oneself when the other continually puts him or her down
• Separating for a time

When is it Time to Leave?

There are times in a marriage when it is time to leave. Some people remain far too long in relationships that are toxic in light of “til death do us part.” However, there are situations in which it may be wisest to end the relationship, such as:

• Domestic violence
• Repeated infidelity
• Exposed child abuse
• Sexual violence
• Severe emotional and psychological abuse

If you are in or know someone in a situation like this, please encourage them to seek help as soon as possible.

Each relationship will have its own unique set of boundaries, and you should not expect yours to mimic those of another couple. It does require open communication regularly before and during marriage to discuss each issue as needed and to foster an environment where each person can be vulnerable and honest about what he needs or how she feels.

A helpful exercise could be that each person individually writes out the problem areas in the marriage, how he or she feels about each item, and what specific needs and expectations each person has. Then the two of them can come together and discuss what they have written and decided what appropriate boundaries need to be in place.

If there is an issue with too much work at home, then the boundary can center around leaving work at work. If there is an issue with pornography, then the boundary can center around accountability programs on the computer. If there is a problem with the kids coming into your room every night, then the boundary needs to involve how to get them to stay in their rooms.

It can feel like a daunting task – especially if the couple has not set any boundaries before – but it is a necessary exercise. The relationships that do not talk about their problems, their feelings, their needs, their expectations, and what each person is responsible for are the relationships that end. Though the boundaries can feel restricting, they actually bring freedom.

“For love to work, each spouse has to realize his or her freedom. And boundaries help define the freedom we have and the freedom we do not have. Marriage is not slavery. It is based on a love relationship deeply rooted in freedom.” – Henry Cloud, Boundaries in Marriage