5 Effective Strategies for Dealing with Resentment in Relationships

Relationships are complex. Different personalities come together and attempt to connect. Sometimes this happens easily. Other times, people may say the wrong thing at the wrong time or misinterpret what someone said. Our bias toward ourselves creates opportunities for us to offend each other, sometimes without even knowing that we’re doing it, often leading to resentment in relationships.

It can feel like a direct and intentional attack on you and your dignity when someone offends you. When we feel like we’re under attack, anger is one of the emotions many of us experience. Anger will often lead us naturally to position ourselves for defense, and we may find ourselves launching attacks of our own against the person that’s threatening us.

In any situation, at a bar, restaurant, grocery store, gas station, or online platform if someone hurts or offends you, you might hurt them back. If someone insults you, you’ll want to insult them in turn. Whether we fight back with words or actions, if we’re not careful, our anger can combine with other emotions such as disgust, frustration, bitterness, and disappointment to become deep-seated resentment against the other person.

Resentment can be felt not only by strangers on the internet but also by the people that are closest to you. You can feel resentment toward a politician for a policy they implemented that may have affected you in some way, and you can feel resentment toward your spouse because they keep assuming you’ll pick up the slack and do their chores.

Our close relationships are typically where we expect to get many of our needs met, so it’s not surprising that resentment occurs frequently in those relationships. When we are most disappointed, we are most likely to grow resentful. While it might feel good to nurse those feelings of anger and hurt toward that person, resentment has a cost.

The effects of resentment in relationships

Resentment doesn’t leave you feeling good yet we can find ourselves wallowing in it. Why is this? Resentment follows in the wake of being hurt in some way. It can feel satisfying, perhaps even necessary and courageous, to hold such anger toward the person who hurt you.

Resentment can feel like a show of strength in the face of offense. Letting go of the anger seems like it’s letting the other person off the hook, and the last thing you might feel like doing is letting them off easy. Being resentful can, weirdly, seem like a way of punishing the person who hurt you. In this way, we justify holding onto those feelings of resentment toward others.

Living this way takes its toll on you and your relationships in various ways, making it a costly experience. Resentment as a form of anger carries the same health risks as unhealthy anger: high blood pressure, increased risk of depression and anxiety, a weakened immune system that makes one more susceptible to getting sick, and a higher risk of stroke and cardiac health issues.

Resentment can act like intoxication because the feelings of anger that one experiences and nurtures lend a false sense of power. These feelings of rage often lean toward unhealthy forms of expression. This can be dangerous for you and the people in your life. For an individual, harboring resentment can shape their perception of reality.

If a person holds onto resentment long enough, they can stop feeling resentful about the specific situation and start becoming a resentful person. That can make a person act and feel like they are the victim in every negative experience they encounter, and they may find it difficult to envisage positive outcomes in a given situation. Their perception of the world and others can become tainted by feelings of bitterness, anger, and frustration.

In relationships, resentment lends itself toward making everyday encounters tense. Resentment can bring about changes in your relationship with someone, including making you avoid situations or the people who make you feel a certain type of way around them. People will avoid others as a form of self-protection.

When they do interact, there are uncomfortable and tense encounters. People can begin to worry that they will see the person at a party or in that part of town. This feeling is magnified if the person you feel resentful of lives with you or you see them regularly.

Strategies for addressing resentment in relationships

There are things you can do to address and reduce resentment in your life and relationships. These ideas will help you discover how to make changes.

Assume the best and seek clarity

You don’t always know why someone does something you find offensive. Often, the offense that people cause is unintentional. Perhaps you think your spouse doesn’t appreciate you because they don’t say “Thank you.” Maybe you don’t recognize that your spouse prefers to show gratitude. Maybe the person who cut you off in traffic genuinely didn’t see you or maybe your child truly didn’t hear you.

We often fill in the gaps in our encounters with others based on our interpretation, assuming the worst about the intentions. It is better to nip resentment in the bud by assuming the best and seeking clarity from the other person. If it turns out that they meant to snub or hurt you, you know for sure and can have a conversation about that. But before you get angry and resentful, fill that gap with grace and assume the best.

Try a little empathy

We live in our brains, and we usually know why we’re doing something. Even when we snap at a colleague or neighbor, we consider the extenuating circumstances that can get us off the hook. Exercising empathy means doing some of the same for another person and trying to see things from their perspective.

Maybe they’re having a rough morning too, and that’s why they snapped. Maybe you’ve offended them in the past, and that’s why they gave you the cold shoulder when you greeted them. Maybe they simply don’t understand that what they’ve done is hurtful. Pausing and trying to see things from someone else’s perspective can help you reduce feelings of resentment.

Revisit your expectations

One of the main reasons why we get angry is that our boundaries have been violated and our expectations haven’t been met. We often feel that we deserve certain kinds of treatment from others, especially from our loved ones. When these expectations aren’t met, or when someone else gets what we believe we deserve, that can spawn resentment.

It’s important to revisit our expectations of others, as sometimes those expectations may not have been communicated or agreed upon. Then, you hold the other person to something they never agreed to, and when they disappoint you, it hurts. At other times, expectations may have been communicated, but circumstances change and render the prior conversation obsolete.

For instance, you and your spouse may have decided on roles and responsibilities before you got married, but a few years in you have kids, or your spouse starts graduate school, or they lose their job. Our expectations of each other ought to shift because the situation has changed. Revisiting expectations can help avoid feeling disappointed and resentful due to unmet expectations.

Be liberal with your forgiveness

Resentment comes about when one holds onto anger, bitterness, disappointment, and frustration. These experiences are legitimate, but forgiveness allows you to relinquish the accompanying desire to get even. Practicing forgiveness allows you to relinquish resentment and removes the opportunity for your emotions to create a wedge between you and the other person.

As Paul reminds the Christians in Ephesus, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold… Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:26-27, 31-32, NIV)

Unresolved anger gives the devil a foothold in our lives, opening us up to acting unjustly toward others because of our hurts. Anger has the appearance of strength, but true strength lies in forgiveness. This is what provides us with real strength to move beyond the hurts we experience.

Pursue gratitude

Resentment is typically born in feelings that we didn’t get what we deserve, that we’ve been disappointed, taken advantage of, not appreciated, and more. These feelings may be legitimate. They can be addressed directly by employing strategies such as reasserting our boundaries and speaking with the person that has offended us.

For one’s peace of mind, practicing gratitude helps to focus our hearts and minds on the good things God has placed in our lives. Instead of focusing on what’s missing or what we’d like to have, gratitude helps us to pay attention to the good we already have and turns our hearts to what will enliven us.

Looking again to Paul, he says, “Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:15-18, NIV)

You can overcome resentment

Resentment can be difficult to overcome, especially if it is rooted in hurtful past actions that cannot be undone. There is help available in the form of individual counseling. Your counselor can help you unpack your feelings of resentment and journey with you as you pursue healing and freedom from anger and bitterness. Reach out today to find out more and to connect with a Christian counselor.