5 Ideas for How to Control Your Anger

If you are struggling with anger, it could be a symptom of something deeper. Often, we fail to identify what’s causing our anger in the first place. But it’s an important step in an overall plan for how to control your anger.

To find the cause of your anger, however, one must first admit to an anger issue. Some symptoms of a struggle with anger are:

• Feeling the need to punish or self-harm because you are angry internally. Talking to yourself in your mind with negative comments or talking about yourself negatively to others are both signs of inward anger. If you feel the need to deny yourself regular needs, such as food or friendship, you may be struggling with this type of anger.
• A tendency to curse at someone, slam doors, or slap, for example, a book on the table may be signs of external anger. If this is you, you might be quick to anger and exhibit emotionally explosive behavior as a result of your anger. Yelling, verbally insulting others, or physically harming someone else are all examples of this type of anger.
• Passive anger is a little less easy to spot in ourselves. But if you tend to give the silent treatment to your spouse, make degrading comments about someone else, use sarcasm to deflect your anger, or sulk when you don’t get what you wanted or expected, this is probably the type of anger you’re struggling to manage.
• Other signs that you might have an issue with anger are that you get angry quickly, over small things, often; use your words to make others feel less than accepted; regret things you’ve said or done, or feel angry much of the time.

Anger hurts relationships, but it also can be devastating to a person’s health. Studies link anger issues to cardiovascular diseases, eating disorders, insomnia, self-harm, and digestive issues.

A trained counselor can help identify the root causes of your struggle with anger. But some secondary emotions are often associated with anger. So while your go-to response may be anger, it could arise from experiencing any or a mixture of these: disappointment, fear, anxiety or worry, discouragement, and loss.

As you work with a counselor to uncover the root of your anger, it’s also a good idea to begin taking practical steps toward anger management. When stressed, anger can flare, even if you’ve incorporated some of these lifestyle changes and coping mechanisms into your day-to-day life. That’s why seeing a trusted counselor is important. He or she can walk alongside you as you grow in managing this emotion.

Five ideas for how to control your anger

1. Use “I” statements. If you are in a heated discussion with a friend or family member, try to remember to start with how you are feeling. An example would be changing “You always call me when I’m trying to leave work,” to “I feel overwhelmed when you call at the end of a workday as I am trying to getorganized.” Remembering to start with “I” not only diffuses the tension that the other person may already be feeling but also helps you identify what the specific problem is and how that problem makes you feel.

2. Avoid the use of “always” and “never.” In the previous example, a spouse accused the other spouse of “always” calling at the end of a workday. But these are generalizations and, most likely, they do not hold 100% of the time. Instead, they alienate the other person and may make him or her less willing to work with you.

Justifying how you feel isn’t the answer, and “always” and “never” are the tools of justification. Just trying to express how you feel shows that you respect the other person and own your own emotions. These are two keys to diffusing a power struggle or an argument.

3. Communicate your desires rather than your expectations. Instead of making a demand on a co-worker, try to state your desires. “I would love it if…” or, “I think if you can do this, it will help our team…” But if things don’t go your way, make sure you don’t allow disappointment to turn into anger. Acknowledge your disappointment within, and use some other coping tools to keep it from turning into rage.

4. Try deep breathing exercises or take a walk. Our physical bodies absorb so much of our emotions, much more than we often realize. So it’s important to allow your physical cues to help you sense anger and try to manage it before it’s out of control. Taking a time out for a 10-minute walk or breathing deeply for two to three minutes can be restorative.

5. Incorporate reflective practices into your lifestyle. Reflection is a powerful tool when used to highlight how you behave, why you make certain decisions, and how to control your anger. This might involve picking up a pen and paper to journal or speaking into your phone about how you are feeling when you are anxious.

Reflective practices can also help you identify what triggers anger internally. If you know that driving downtown to work each day makes you angry due to traffic, you can avoid that by making some practical, smart choices – using a Ride Share program, taking public transit, or negotiating to work from home a few days each week.

Certainly, navigating how to control your anger is not a quick, easy fix. But these are all steps in the right direction. Progress looks like incorporating new practices into your lifestyle, recognizing when you’ve hurt someone you love or realizing that your struggle with self-esteem is because of how angry you are at yourself.

Another step in the right direction is finding a trained counselor who can help you look at ways to heal from past hurt, repair wounded relationships, and remind you that struggling with anger is nothing to be ashamed of. Our counselors are here to help you overcome mindsets and responses that are interfering with your everyday life.