“Should I Get Married?” Practical Questions to Ask First

A slight breeze stirs the trees as a cloudless sky gently pours out the liquid radiance of the sun. The peal of wedding bells echoes as a newly married couple walk down the aisle and outside the church, where beaming guests shower them with flower petals.

The glowing bride looks resplendent in her gown, her incandescent joy obvious as she looks with longing into her new husband’s eyes and clasps his hand. The dashing groom drinks in the sight that is his new wife, heart bursting with love and irrepressible happiness.

So, the scene may go as we imagine a day of marital bliss. Getting married is more than the wedding day, though, as a lot more goes into forging a meaningful relationship and getting to that place of deciding to marry someone.

The question, “Should I get married?” is a good one to ask before taking a step toward a significant milestone such as marriage. The person asking it can be young or old, in a relationship already or contemplating one; regardless of the situation, it is a great diagnostic question to ask.

First steps

It may seem obvious, but sometimes the obvious questions are the ones that need asking. If someone wants to get married, it may be a good first step to ask what they think marriage is. You must know what you’re signing up for before you get into it.

According to many faith traditions, and this includes the Christian tradition, marriage is a lifelong commitment to one person; a commitment to share your life with someone else and stand by them through thick and thin.

It’s not something to enter lightly or try on to see if it fits, as most liturgies will tell people during the marriage ceremony. This challenges us to think soberly about the decision to get married.

If marriage is something God designed from the beginning (Genesis 2:24), and that reflects the deep relationship between Jesus and his people as Paul’s letter to the Ephesians tells us (Ephesians 5:32), then there is something sacred about it which calls us into serious reflection before we decide to take it on. As delicious as wedding photos and ideas of marital bliss may be, the gravity of being married (along with the joy!) ought to be seriously contemplated before taking the plunge.

Part of understanding what being married is about is to ask those who are married. They can disabuse you of false notions and help you understand what it takes to make a marriage successful. The collective memory of our communities (be it family, church, or friends) can aid us in weighing this decision.

Why do you want to get married?

If understanding what marriage is and how it works is the first step, then asking yourself why you want to get married is a close second. This self-diagnostic question will hopefully help you unearth your motives and expectations for marriage.

As you figure out your own heart and come to understand why you want to get married, hopefully, you can answer for yourself whether you should get married or if you may need to dig deeper for more substance. In the final analysis, only you can decide to get married (well, you and your partner), so knowing what you know about marriage and yourself, you have to decide whether or not it’s a good move to make.

What does your support network think?

Knowing yourself doesn’t preclude getting advice from those closest to you. In fact, those who know you best may have deep and profound insights into who you are and what you are like. Jeremiah 17:9 is a challenging, yet disturbing Scripture: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Psalms 19:12 reads, “Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults.”

These texts point to the fact that we can be blind to our faults. We are often our own biggest cheerleader, and that can leave us with large blind spots. Additionally, when we’re in love we can overlook faults in our beloved that can be detrimental to a successful marriage.

God knows us through and through, and one way He provides mirrors in which to see ourselves are through the people we are surrounded with. We shouldn’t dismiss the opinions of the godly people who love and surround us. That support network is a valuable resource to consult for wisdom.

In many ways, this flies in the face of the idea of the rugged individual taking life on by themselves. Our independent streak as Americans might compel us to make decisions without taking note of the wisdom of others. If “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” as Proverbs insists, it might not be a bad idea to tap people around you for their thoughts on your nuptials.

It may be valuable to ask your support network what they think of you getting married, and of the person to whom you want to get married. Yes, it’s a risk because you may not like what they have to say.

They may tell you they feel you are too young, or you aren’t prepared financially to support one another. They may say either you or your spouse may face difficulties due to one or both of you having issues with substance abuse, or that you struggle with positively handling conflict.

These concerns should be taken seriously, as getting married too young, financial problems, substance abuse, and too much conflict and arguing are among the top ten reasons why people get divorced.

On the other hand, your network may be fully supportive of your move towards marriage. The decision is ultimately yours, but the wisdom and support of those around you should be an important factor in reaching your decision.

Have you done premarital counseling?

Among the top reasons why people got divorced, little or no premarital education has been cited as a cause for marital breakdown. Premarital counseling helps you to get prepared for what lies ahead. It gives you tools for better communication, conflict resolution, and understanding the inner workings of a marriage. This may include such subjects as how a marriage goes through phases of growth as the couple ages and enters new seasons of their lives.

If you want to get married, having substantive premarital counseling is crucial; you should get married when you know what you’re getting into and have the tools to make a success of it.

The value of premarital counseling is that a premarital counselor can also tell you if you should not be getting married. As trained individuals who have experience with couple’s therapy, they know what makes for a successful marriage and the warning signs to look out for before you embark on your journey. As painful as it may be to hear, being told you probably shouldn’t get married may save you a lifetime of heartache or the possibility of divorce.

Conclusion

Marriage is a blessing for God, and one of the greatest gifts given to us. Getting married is a huge step that will shape the rest of your life. We don’t normally make decisions that have lifelong consequences easily or quickly. If you want to buy a house or start a career, doing your basic due diligence is something you owe to yourself if you want it to work out well.

Marrying someone that you love is probably more important than either of these so asking the question, “Should I get married?” is a valuable self-diagnostic to perform before taking the plunge. Asked and answered earnestly, this question can save you from a lifetime of hurt and set you up for success in your marriage.