Uncovering Family Secrets Through DNA Testing and Genealogical Research

With advances in biotechnology, there has been an increase in curiosity to search our origins. Combining biotechnology with genealogical research has helped satisfy the desire to connect with our past, uncover family secrets, and answer that overall question, “Where do we come from?”

People are now able to unearth their ancestors’ “motherland” without relying on the documented paper trail that has led others to so much frustration. Discovering family members through DNA databases and genetic genealogy has led to completing family trees, and in some cases, the uncovering of unexpected family secrets.

Although there have been great benefits linking our DNA heritage, there have also been unintentional discoveries of buried family secrets. Through companies such as 23 and Me, Ancestry.com, and other DNA sites, people have brought to light concealed family secrets and histories.

For example, someone may have discovered that the father who raised them was not their biological father. This could be earth-shattering to one’s persona. Another example is one realizing that not only did their siblings feel different, but discover they are only a half-sibling to the rest of the siblings in comparing their shared DNA.

This can cause significant emotional responses to someone’s own identity, sense of self, and family connection. People experiencing these examples are called a non-paternal event, and/or people who experience these discoveries are usually referred to as an NPE.

Common emotional responses

These discoveries can be quite traumatic. Sometimes they are discovered posthumously after a pivotal family member has died with the information. This can add to the emotional turmoil due to not getting an explanation. People can feel disoriented in realizing they are “less related” or “not related” at all to the family they grew up with. This can harvest a lot of anger, resentment, and feelings of betrayal that can be difficult to manage and work through.

On the other hand, discovering a sibling that you never knew existed can be exciting, and also cause some confusion and soul-searching as well with one’s own identity. Happy discoveries can be impactful and give a more positive sense of self, such as finally connecting to the father or sibling you never knew. Even though this can be a positive discovery, it can also change your personal narrative and create some confusion.

Impact on family dynamics and personal stories

Many examples throughout the media have demonstrated the emotional impact these discoveries have had on people. In the book Inheritance by Dani Shapiro, the author describes discovering that the father who raised her was not her biological father.

This caused her entire sense of identity and history to “crumble” in a single day. She reflects on the pain of realizing that her lineage, which she had always believed to be a solid foundation of her identity, was based on “falsehood.”

Similarly, in the Netflix documentary Our Father, Jacoba Ballard’s journey discovering many dozens of half-siblings is emotionally overwhelming to watch. The NBC show Who Do You Think You Are? demonstrates in both a positive and negative way how these discoveries can captivate the viewer with the real emotional responses and effects of uncovering their true heritage.

Benefits of therapy for processing family secrets

With these impactful discoveries, navigating through one’s own identity, feelings of anger, and sense of belonging can be arduous, even if the discovery is both a positive and negative one. Seeking therapy is an excellent way to traverse through these intense emotions and sense of self. Here are some benefits therapy can provide.

Identity reconstruction and improved communication

Pursuing therapy to help you process the uncovering of family secrets can help you understand from the beginning that this is a grieving process that consists of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You won’t necessarily go through these stages perfectly consecutively, but will likely jump back and forth between different stages.

Allowing yourself time to let things settle, grieve, and create a new narrative can not only help you heal but can also create an improved self, even with negative discoveries. For example, one might find out that they have a different father from their siblings, validating the thought that they have “always felt they have been treated differently.”

At first, the discovery can cause a lot more pain. This could be due to the parents or other family members having hidden the truth and not being fully honest. But processing this new revelation can also create closer bonds because both the “half-sibling” and family members who know the secret don’t have to ignore the wedge between them any longer. They can be more themselves and have a more authentic relationship.

On the other hand, it feels like one can never be prepared for a discovery like the ones mentioned above, due to the loss of one’s idea of belonging, which forces them to navigate a lost sense of identity. If one cannot go through that transition, then those feelings of hurt and confusion could remain for a long time.

In trying to resolve these family secrets, communication can break down due to a lack of trust. Attempted conversations can become just attacks and defensive reactions that lead to gridlock. Applying basic conflict resolution techniques can help navigate through these conversations. Focusing on the problem and not on the person, using reflective listening, using “I” statements, knowing when to take a time-out, and working toward a solution are all helpful strategies to practice.

But even with these techniques, the situation may be too charged to apply them. Without help and assistance from new revelations, good familial bonds can become worse. Without effective communication and validation of all emotions on either side, permanent disruptions can feel like they may never be reconciled.

Patience is also a key for people experiencing a non-paternal event. It can be natural upon discovering the secret to want to reach out immediately to the newly discovered biological parent or sibling. The NPE has to realize that this event is not only impacting them, but this information may be unknown to the newly discovered biological families.

An example would be the newly discovered biological father may have never known of the existence of the NPE, which could cause some issues in his life. He could have been married to his wife when the infidelity occurred, and it was never discovered. Following up with the newly discovered biological father could create chaos in his life. These situations can be difficult to know how to navigate.

Emotional support and coping skills

When a non-paternal event is discovered and trust and communication have been broken, this could also mean one’s main emotional family support has been lost. This lost sense of self and lack of reliable support can add more confusion.

Therapy and groups can be a great support in traversing this unknown territory. Finding therapy that specializes in the emotional impact of DNA testing discoveries can be found online, in person, or in groups, which can take some of the burden of feeling alone.

Listening to podcasts of people telling their stories of going through the emotional rollercoaster such as Family Secrets, hosted by Dani Shapiro, or DNA Surprises, hosted by Alexis Hourselt, can be an added way to cope with feeling abandoned.

This can be where a therapist could be beneficial as well, by helping each party be reminded about good communication techniques to help navigate toward achieving a resolution, and eventually, the two parties can apply the techniques by themselves. That is why it is important to seek a professional to help navigate through these complexities.

Spiritual perspective

Family connection is important to our relationship with God. When we feel that our idea of our family has been lost, this can add to more identity issues as it may seem confusing regarding how you fit into God’s plan. As a Christian, one thing you can always count on is being part of the family of God. Also, feeling alone and left out, know that God is aware and wants you to feel rescued.

I love the following passage of Scripture:

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.” – Matthew 18:10-14, ESV

In uncovering family secrets, which can shake our identity, it can also be seen as what was once lost is now found, and God can help us navigate through that.

Next steps

If you are going through some emotional turmoil due to uncovering family secrets because of DNA revelations, or discovering through other means, contact our office today to schedule your risk-free assessment and session with a Christian counselor.