Asking for Forgiveness: What Does a Good Apology Look Like?

Relationships can be messy in all kinds of ways. A loved one might fail to keep their word, intentionally or otherwise. Sometimes, harsh words are spoken in anger, and things that perhaps ought not be said are uttered. Expectations, legitimate or otherwise, can be disappointed, leading to deep hurt. Betrayals of trust occur, fraying and even breaking the bonds of trust, making a good apology necessary.

In all of this, there is a mechanism for repairing relationships that have been damaged in one way or another. Colossians 3:13 (NIV) says, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

We are all imperfect in many ways, and we need the people around us to put up with us. We also need to be forgiven and to extend forgiveness to others. The question is, “What does a good apology look like?” What does it mean to apologize well?

The Purpose of Apologizing

You’re probably familiar with the playground apology from childhood when one child pushes another. Maybe you did the pushing, or you were shoved off the swings or slide. Either way, a responsible adult witnessed the event, and they likely intervened. The kid who did the shoving was told to apologize, and they did so, albeit reluctantly or with malice burning in their eyes. After that, everything was okay, and you were friends, right?

The reality of those playground situations is that everything was not all right. At the next available opportunity, more shoving probably occurred, and the cycle repeated. Why are people supposed to apologize? There are two main situations, namely, sin and accident.

The first reason for apologizing is when a sin has been committed by one person against another. The offender apologizes for the sin they committed, allowing for the relationship to potentially pick up where it left off. When you apologize for a sin, you aren’t just recognizing that someone was upset because of it, you’re acknowledging that what you did was morally wrong.

The second reason for apologizing is when an accident has occurred. Accidents happen all the time and sometimes people get hurt because of them. When you cause an accident or you hurt someone, even though accidentally, you apologize because you acknowledge that it really was harmful and that you’re responsible for it.

In both cases, a good apology involves accountability. An apology isn’t just a way of getting yourself off the hook for your behavior. It is to let the other person know that you see them, that you see the impact of your words or actions, and that you are sorry for them.

The Shape of a Good Apology

In the playground example shared above, the apology given wasn’t exactly genuine. It was coerced. Sometimes by going through the motions of making an apology, a person begins to see what they’ve done and how it affected the person they hurt. What started as a rote apology could become truly genuine. However, a fake apology does more harm than not apologizing at all.

We have all heard many apologies over the years, and we have all likely made apologies to other people. Some apologies just sound off, however. You may not know exactly why the apology wasn’t sound, but you sensed it. Hopefully outlining what a good apology looks like and contrasting it to a poor apology will help you discern the difference.

Here are some elements that indicate a poor apology:

Blame shifting

A quality apology takes ownership of bad behavior. One sign of a poor apology, or an apology being made in bad faith, is that it shifts blame onto the other person. The person may say, “I’m sorry,” but the next words out of their mouth blame you for what happened. For instance, a cheating spouse might apologize but then go on to say it’s the other spouse’s fault for withholding affection.

Minimizing

Another characteristic of a good apology is that it fully acknowledges the pain and damage caused. A poor apology will instead minimize the hurt caused or try to brush off what happened. It might sound something like, “Look, I’m sorry, okay, but it’s not like it was a big deal anyway. You’re too sensitive.” A real apology won’t minimize the harm caused or try to limit personal responsibility.

Redirecting accountability

This one is a little bit like blame-shifting but deserves special mention. A good apology will focus on the actions of the wrongdoer, and why they were wrong. A poor apology, on the other hand, might use words to the effect of “I’m sorry you feel that way.” In other words, the apology avoids accountability and makes the situation about the other person’s feelings and not the wrongdoer’s actions.

Maintaining the status quo

A meaningful apology will recognize that mending the situation will require acting and implementing a change. If you crossed a boundary, change means recognizing and honoring that boundary. A real apology isn’t just about words. A poor or ineffective apology maintains the status quo, and you’ll likely find yourself back in the same place again.

Getting Help

Deep, real apologies seek to address hurt. They allow the relationship to resume on a renewed footing with fresh understanding, different actions, and attitudes. A good apology goes a long way to mend fences and restore what was broken.

If you’re in a relationship, it might be helpful to talk with a counselor to understand how to repair broken relationships. A therapist can help you have effective accountability in your relationships. If you are ready for this step, contact us at Carlsbad Christian Counseling in California today. We will make an appointment for you with one of the qualified Christian counselors in Carlsbad, California. You can begin your healing journey today.