Identifying Gaslighting Signs That Destroy Lives

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can destroy the lives of the victims. The gaslighter creates a false reality that causes the victim to question everything they believe and eventually suffer from mental health issues.

The abuse of gaslighting isn’t as out in the open as physical or verbal abuse. It is often subtle and unrecognizable as abuse. The result of the abuse leads to the gaslighter being in control of the relationship.

There are many types of gaslighting, and the relationship doesn’t always follow the characteristics of being abusive. The premise of the gaslighter is to create a sense of being the one who is sane while causing the victim to feel as if they are losing their sanity so they cannot identify the truth of the abuse.

To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled. They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works. They are detestable, disobedient, unfit for any good work. – Titus 1:15-16, ESV

Traits Of Gaslighters

The bottom line of gaslighting is that some people need to feel as though they have control over another person. The personality of a gaslighter revolves around the tendency to have others around them adhere to their belief of right and wrong. Gaslighters will go to extremes to meet their own needs regardless of the expense to those around them. There are ways to identify gaslighting signs based on the trait of a gaslighter.

Manipulative of Others

Gaslighters are highly manipulative and have a deep knowledge of how to make others question their perception. They know who they can sway and how to manipulate the truth to make sense. These individuals tend to target empathetic people. They recognize that those with a higher sense of empathy are easier to deceive because of their self-sacrificing nature.

Blame-Shifting

The shifting of blame to others is a frequent behavior of gaslighters. They refuse to take responsibility for their actions and will twist events and facts to make themselves appear innocent.

They Invalidate and Coerce Others

Most of the damage caused by gaslighters is emotional. They want to create negative emotional responses to feel in control while their victim feels insecure and off-balance. The gaslighter does not validate the feelings or thoughts of others.

They often show no remorse for causing pain or destruction in the lives of others. They blame the victim for causing the victimization. Gaslighters are prone to drama and will avoid judgment by coercing others to believe they are right.

They Do Not Admit Flaws

Gaslighters will not admit their flaws or mistakes. They often react harshly when confronted with their behavior. This challenge will cause them to become overtly angry, make excuses, or avoid the person and situation. They will intensify the false accusations to deflect the focus on their behavior.

False Image

Gaslighters tend to project the perception of having a successful and impressive life. They desire to make themselves look good in all areas of life. They want to project the “I am better than you” mentality. They do this so the victim will believe the gaslighter must be right because their life is together.

The gaslighter tends to feel all-powerful and able to pass down judgment to those around them. They will gain pleasure from seeing how they have made their victim feel inferior and wrong.

Disobey Laws And Social Norms

Many people engaging in gaslighting seek to get away with disobeying rules no matter the cost. They negate the laws and social norms in hopes of oppressing their victim. This behavior presumes a sense of entitlement and superiority.

There is no way to know if a person will ever fall victim to gaslighting. This is because many relationships can involve gaslighting. It is common for victims to be unaware they are being gaslit because the gaslighter will hide the truth. Victims often feel guilty for doubting the actions of the gaslighter. It is important to note that it is not the victim’s fault.

Gaslighting And Different Relationships

At one time, gaslighting was seemingly limited to romantic relationships. However, it is now noted that gaslighting can occur in many types of relationships. Understanding the types of relationships can help identify gaslighting signs.

Romantic

The most common characteristic of gaslighting in romantic relationships is manipulation. and emotional abuse. These relationships are toxic and can leave the victim feeling confused and with low self-esteem.

Family And Friends

Gaslighting can occur in families and friendships. Parents may instruct children how they should feel and even belittle the child’s experience. In friendships, gaslighting may occur when the friendship is toxic and is made to be about the gaslighter.

Social

The gaslighting in these types of relationships tends to manifest in those involved in groups that use manipulation to exert control on a larger scale.

Work

Gaslighting at work can occur when a colleague or supervisor uses manipulation to undermine an employee.

Politics

Politics can be a realm for gaslighting when politicians attempt to manipulate public opinion by denying facts and using language that confuses the public.

Types Of Gaslighting

There are a few types of gaslighting that can occur in any of the above relationships. The gaslighter may use any one or combination of these types of gaslighting.

Outright Lying

The most common type of gaslighting is outright lying. The gaslighter will use lies to create and establish power by proposing that their reality is superior to the victim’s. The lies may be subtle and hard to detect. Gaslighters will typically use phrases that focus on making the victim feel as though they are crazy.

Some examples of this type of gaslighting are:

• Lie about being at an event even though they were seen there.
• Insisting that there is a misunderstanding about inappropriate messages even though the intention was obvious.
• A coworker insists that they never received an email about a presentation even though you have the original outgoing email.
• A friend insists they never said something even though more than one person heard them.

Coercion

When the gaslighter manipulates a person’s reality to get them to do something it is called coercion gaslighting. This can be manifested in many ways, such as emotional and verbal abuse. This gaslighter uses coercion to hide something they battle within themselves.

Examples of coercion gaslighting are:

• Your partner is insecure about going to church, so they argue that you are a bad person to make you go with them.
• Your parent insists that you don’t spend enough time with them and keep affection from you when you spend time with others.
• A partner showers you with gifts and affection to hide the fact they are cheating.

Scapegoating

This type of gaslighting is a way for the gaslighter to deflect any blame to the victim. This is a form of blaming to keep the responsibility of damaging a relationship from falling onto the gaslighter.

Examples of scapegoating are:

• I wouldn’t have cheated if you had given me more attention.
• If you had been a better daughter our parents wouldn’t have divorced.
• If you had finished the project perfectly it would have been accepted by the company.

Trivializing

This form of gaslighting is the act of minimizing the accomplishments or dismissing information by the other person. The underlying intention of this type of gaslighting is to make the victim feel as though their contributions are insignificant. This is another of the more common forms of gaslighting.

Reality Questioning

This is the type that most people associate with the term gaslighting. It is based on a movie in which a husband creates questions in the mind of his wife that lead to her being committed to a facility. This is the most damaging because of the mental anguish the victim may experience.

Some examples of reality questioning are:

• A friend insists they told you about an event, but you remember discussing other plans.
• A partner maintains that there were no inappropriate texts sent to your friend and that they have deleted them.
• A sibling insists that you are not remembering a traumatic event correctly even though you share the memory.

Next Steps

Gaslighting can be difficult to identify. There are ways the gaslighter can create subtle doubt and questioning to make themselves seem correct and sane. It is a dangerous form of abuse, and a person must understand their experience and knowledge.

If you are noticing gaslighting signs in any relationship, contact us to schedule an appointment with one of the Christian counselors at our location. They can help you identify the signs and develop a course of action to deal with gaslighting.