Dealing with the Aftermath of Online Affairs

Most people would agree that if you’re in a committed relationship like a marriage, having sex with another person is a huge no-no. Because of how seriously people take infidelity in marriage, around a fifth to a half of divorces in the United States are because of infidelity, according to the American Psychological Association.

While most people agree that sexual intercourse outside of marriage is infidelity, the picture is slightly different when it comes to emotional affairs. Sixty percent of people polled in one study said emotional affairs are also cheating, while eighteen percent disagreed. An emotional affair is when you’re in a relationship with someone, but you become deeply emotionally invested in another person who may be a friend, co-worker, or old flame.

The issue with cheating is dishonesty and breaking your commitment to your partner by sharing yourself with someone else. When you’re emotionally or physically involved with someone else, you’re breaking trust and taking away your time and emotional energy from your relationship with your spouse or partner.

Emotional affairs can happen with people you see every day, but because they don’t need a physical component, they can also happen online. Emotional affairs can be just as damaging, sometimes more so, as an affair where physical interaction and sex are involved. The emotions are very real, and often emotional affairs become physical ones after those emotions have been expressed.

With the rise of social media and numerous ways to relate to people online, online affairs have become a problem in many relationships. A recent poll showed that around 17% of users across all dating apps were intending to cheat on their partners, and personalized porn has also seen an uptick in recent years.

Online affairs may include sharing intimate personal details, cybersex, exchanging explicit photos, flirting, or watching pornography online. They may last a long time or a brief period, but they undermine the legitimate relationship, nonetheless.

Online Affairs are Still Affairs

Some people may recognize the danger that having sex with someone outside their marriage poses. However, they may experience cognitive dissonance when it comes to emotional and online affairs, presuming that these are not serious or harmful because there was no physical contact with anyone.

The first step in recovering from the aftermath of an online affair is to recognize the reality that an online affair is an affair and to understand the pain it has caused your spouse. The feelings of betrayal, broken trust, and violation are warranted because emotional affairs are serious.

Christians believe that each person ought to “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23). The “heart” is the seat of our emotions, our will, and our thoughts – all the aspects of ourselves that engage in an online affair. Jesus challenges us further by saying, “…everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28). Lust can be just as dangerous, and God takes it as seriously as adultery.

So, as the first step to recovery, one needs to appreciate the danger posed by an online affair, that it’s just as serious as sexual infidelity, and that the emotions involved are real. Access to things like video calls makes the interactions all the more real and the emotional connection that much stronger, despite the absence of physical sex.

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

Another important part of recovering from an online affair is understanding why the affair happened in the first place. People have affairs for several reasons, including looking for an emotional connection, boredom, poor impulse control, having opportunity, or simply desiring “forbidden fruit.” The spouse who pursues an online affair does so for their own set of reasons, and it’s important to get to the heart of those reasons.

The aim is so that they can learn to express their needs and have them met within the relationship, provided their spouse wants to remain in the relationship and meet that need. When communication is lacking in a relationship, spouses may have needs but just don’t know how to express them, or they may not feel safe doing so. This barrier must be overcome if a couple is to flourish and find fulfillment in their relationship.

Recognizing the Fantasy

One aspect of emotional affairs that makes them dangerous and attractive is that they are idealized relationships. These emotionally charged relationships are often rooted in a picture of the other person that is far from the reality of what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. The other person seems ideal, especially in contrast to the concrete reality of their spouse. Coming to grips with the fact that there’s a fantasy at play is another vital step in addressing an online or emotional affair.

To end an online affair, taking steps such as installing monitoring software on electronic devices, uninstalling apps by which the affair was conducted, or moving the computer to the family room or other open space where covert activity is impossible to engage, in are a good place to start. However, that only breaks a person’s ability to connect with the object of their online affair.

The deeper work of restoring a relationship after an affair must also try to sever the emotional connection as well. Online affairs create and develop deep emotional connections, and these must be broken for true healing in the relationship. If those connections remain intact, the affair is still attractive and the person may seek out other ways to reestablish communication, like using another device or finding another app.

Begin rebuilding

When a spouse finds out that their partner was engaged in an online affair, the feelings of betrayal and being violated are likely to go deep. A relationship doesn’t have to get physical before it crosses important boundaries. For some people, an affair may erode trust enough to bring that relationship to an end.

However, a relationship that has been rocked by an online affair can be rebuilt if the couple is willing to address issues in their relationship. One way to begin rebuilding is by getting couples counseling.

A trained therapist will help a couple explore their relationship, develop their communication skills, and deepen their intimacy. In the safe environment shaped by a therapist, a couple can explore any underlying problems plaguing their relationship and chart a way forward that meets the needs of both parties.

Additionally, with the help of a therapist, the couple can build safeguards designed to end the online relationship and protect the relationship from further infidelity. These safeguards are not just physical safeguards such as monitoring software, as mentioned above, but developing awareness in the offending spouse of the impact of their behavior and helping them understand that an online affair isn’t less dangerous simply because it isn’t physical.

Christian Counseling for Online Affairs

Online affairs are becoming more common as our lives become more rooted in our online presence. We can connect with people all over the world, and with the tools at our disposal such as video calls, connecting with others and building relationships has become easier. That ease of access and ability to connect with others means that covert connections are also easier to achieve.

An online affair is no less infidelity than an affair conducted in person, and no less devastating. The relationship can be rebuilt, but the road to change and healing for the relationship begins with that acknowledgment.

For many, this is the first hurdle they need to overcome to understand just how damaging online affairs are and to begin rebuilding their relationship. Just as the emotions and the emotional energy, time, and money taken from the relationship and invested in the online affair is real, so too are the feelings of betrayal and broken trust experienced by the spouse who’s been cheated on.