How to Tell If Someone is Overstepping Boundaries in Your Relationship

Have you ever been at a party or in the office and felt that someone was standing just a little too close to you? Or how does it feel when your significant other makes you show them your private messages, even though you believe that a person’s privacy should be respected? These are situations in which boundaries may be violated, but sometimes we can second-guess ourselves and our sense of discomfort. How can you tell if someone is overstepping boundaries?

What are boundaries for?

Boundaries help you physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically demarcate yourself from other people. When you’re in a relationship with someone, it can be easy to lose yourself in it, for your needs and thoughts to begin to meld. This isn’t always a bad thing, but it’s possible to get to a point where your individual needs aren’t being met meaningfully, and the relationship stops being beneficial for you both.

It’s important to remember what boundaries are for. Having their importance in mind helps you process what’s happening in the situation, and it can move you to advocate for yourself if you need to. If you find your boundary being violated, stepping in to correct the situation benefits you, the other person, and the relationship.

How to tell when boundaries are overstepped

You may have boundaries around your personal space, or your boundaries may be about whether you loan money to people, or they may be about what you put out there on social media.

Whatever your boundary is, it is overstepped when something happens that goes beyond the lines of what you want to allow. This could either be someone invading your personal space or posting pictures of you on social media when you don’t want that.

When another person oversteps your boundaries, typically you can recognize it by the feeling of discomfort you get. Whether it’s because they are speaking or behaving in a disrespectful, intimidating, or pushy way, when you find yourself feeling uncomfortable because of how they’re acting toward you, it’s quite possible your boundaries are being overstepped. So, a few ways to tell if your boundaries have been overstepped include:

• You feel uncomfortable with their words, questions, or actions.
• You’re being made to cross the lines of what you’re comfortable with.
• You find yourself justifying their behavior and feeling guilty about it.
• Your feelings and thoughts aren’t being considered.

Some important self-diagnostic questions to ask yourself when you are in a situation and feel like your boundaries may have been violated include asking yourself whether you’re going against your own beliefs and values, or whether your behavior is going beyond the lines of what you would normally do. Remember, your boundaries reflect your needs, values, and beliefs – what may be okay with one person may not be with you.

Remedies

If you find yourself in a situation where you feel like someone has overstepped your boundaries, there are a few ways for you to deal with it. Some of how you respond may have to do with what kind of relationship you have with the person.

In other cases, if the duration of someone overstepping your boundaries is brief and unlikely to be repeated, that can also affect how you respond. Additionally, sometimes people overstep boundaries unknowingly, and how you deal with that will differ from how you address someone who knowingly does it.

Remedying overstepped boundaries may look like the following:

Reassert your boundaries

Your boundaries are there for a reason, and you shouldn’t yield to the impulse to be a people pleaser or feel guilty about having the boundaries you have. You can be polite but firm in speaking up for yourself and what you’re comfortable with.

Reassess or renegotiate the boundary

Boundaries can shift with time as your needs and circumstances shift. If it’s something that matters to you, hold the line, for your sake and the sake of your relationship. Renegotiation of boundaries is also a possibility.

In some cases, an overstepped boundary needs redefinition. For instance, a boundary you created before you were married or had children may need to be revisited once these circumstances change.

Choose your battles wisely

What might it mean for a believer to “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves”? (Philippians 2:3, ESV). What rights should one insist upon, and what can be endured for the sake of the gospel? These aren’t easy or obvious things, and one needs wisdom to know when to hold the line, and when an offense can be overlooked for a greater good.

The type of relationship you have with someone also affects how much effort you put into remedying overstepped boundaries. What may need a long process of renegotiating with a loved one you live with may simply not be worth the hassle with a total stranger at the grocery store you’ll never see again.

Be willing to walk away

In some situations, it may make sense to walk away from the relationship, especially in those cases where the boundary is important, and the violations are persistent and/or deliberate. In cases of verbal or physical abuse, for instance, stepping away from the relationship may be the best move for everyone concerned.

Boundaries are important, and it matters that you set good boundaries that help to promote your health and the health of your relationships. If you struggle to set or assert your boundaries, perhaps you should talk with a Christian counselor at Carlsbad Christian Counseling who can walk you through how to do this, and why it’s important for your well-being.