Toxic Couples: How to Identify Toxic Behaviors and Avoid an Unhealthy Relationship

It’s a good bet that most families, communities, circles of friends, and neighborhoods have at least one of them. That one couple who makes you groan, “Oh no. I hope nothing will happen this time” when they are coming to an event, be it Thanksgiving dinner, a block party, outdoor movie night, gallery opening, church service, or a wedding. You hold your breath hoping there’s no drama until it’s over.

One way to describe a couple like the one alluded to is “toxic.” That word has been used a lot in many online and in-person conversations regarding relationships of all kinds. It could be referring to a couple in a romantic relationship, colleagues, family members, neighbors, or even how strangers relate to one another. This word describes certain characteristics, and it’s helpful to understand what makes toxic couples toxic.

What does “toxic” behavior mean?

In general, the word “toxic” refers to something dangerous or deadly. You don’t see flowers or wildlife flourishing at the site of an oil spill or where radioactive waste has been dumped. When applied to relationships, the word thus seems to describe behaviors of the worst sort in those relationships. However, the challenging and surprising thing is that most of us have some toxic traits that may become egregious if they’re not curbed.

Toxic relationship behaviors undermine the health of the relationship and the well-being of your partner. Some may be subtle, while others are glaringly obvious. Regardless of how visible or hidden these behaviors are, they are unhealthy for relationships.

Identifying Toxic Behaviors in a Relationship

Some toxic behaviors include the following:

Emotional manipulation

One partner uses guilt, anger, threats, or self-pity (playing the victim) to control the other’s emotions and actions. Another form of manipulation is gaslighting, where one partner deliberately distorts reality, denies previous agreements or conversations, or makes the other partner question their own memory or sanity as a form of control.

Manipulation and control happen in other ways too. One can pursue a romantic or emotional connection with someone outside of the primary relationship to control or manipulate their partner. Withholding information, lying, or distortions of the truth can also be used to control or manipulate one’s partner.

There are other, more subtle behaviors like love bombing, which may also be rooted in issues such as an insecure attachment style. Love bombing is where one partner showers the other with excessive attention or affection, and it can also be unhealthy because it can be a form of manipulation or a way to cover up insecurities.

Disrespect and contempt

These behaviors can also be present in unhealthy relationships. They may involve frequent criticizing, belittling, or mocking one’s partner. Putting down the other person, telling jokes at their expense, dismissing or minimizing their feelings and concerns, and ignoring or disrespecting their physical, emotional, or sexual boundaries are also problematic behaviors.

Another form of minimizing that can be toxic is when one downplays the severity of their hurtful or abusive behavior toward their partner.

Selfishness and entitlement

We all have needs, but consistently prioritizing one’s own needs, desires, and feelings over those of one’s partner is problematic. Similarly, expecting automatic compliance, special treatment, or constant attention from one’s partner is also unhealthy. A refusal to take responsibility for one’s actions, emotions, or mistakes is also a form of toxic behavior.

One way to refuse accountability is through projection, which is when you attribute your negative thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to the other person, instead of taking ownership.

Unhealthy communication patterns

There are many different ways of communicating that are disrespectful, hurtful, manipulative, or indirect and thus liable to create or prolong conflict. Reacting in passive-aggressive ways such as sarcasm or the silent treatment are examples. Stonewalling, where one partner refuses to communicate or becomes unresponsive, can be another damaging behavior.

Similarly, explosive angry outbursts, whether accompanied by shouting, making threats, physical violence, or property damage, is a damaging and toxic behaviors in a relationship. It creates an unsafe environment that’s not conducive to vulnerability, building trust, and nurturing emotional and physical intimacy.

Control

Being possessive and jealous can also be toxic behaviors, with one partner becoming excessively controlling or accusatory toward their partner. Besides using emotions to control, finances can also be wielded in the same way. One partner can control or withhold financial resources to ensure compliance. Using substances to control or manipulate one’s partner, or to cope with relationship stress is an issue.

In our digital age, the use of technology to control, monitor, or harass one’s partner is also a form of toxic behavior.

Physical harm

Physical or sexual abuse is a severe and immediately identifiable form of toxic behavior in a relationship.

Poor boundaries

Every healthy relationship has clear boundaries that the partners honor and respect as a way to love each other. If there are no boundaries or the boundaries that exist are violated and there is no accountability for that, it will create a decidedly unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. Boundaries are essential to maintain healthy relationships and one’s emotional and physical well-being.

Constant conflict

Having ongoing conflict, especially around the same issue, is a red flag. Healthy conflict finds a resolution for both parties. Also consider that while constant conflict is an issue, avoiding conflict and having difficult conversations is problematic, as well.

These and other unhealthy or toxic relationship behaviors can manifest in various ways, causing harm to one or both partners. At their heart, these toxic behaviors are a failure of the commandment Jesus said was the second greatest commandment:

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ – Matthew 22:37-39, NIV

A failure to love well is what is at the heart of toxic behaviors. We all fall short in this regard because we are often so caught up in getting our own way and in seeing things from our perspective that we end up harming others, on purpose or otherwise.

Nurturing Healthy Relationship Behaviors

One of the things that Jesus said that often gets misunderstood is what He said about judgment. When Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1, NIV), He didn’t mean that we shouldn’t exercise any judgment or discernment, or label behavior accurately. He goes on to say that the issue is that we tend to be terrible judges; we inflate the faults of others while minimizing or excusing our own (Matthew 7:3-5).

When it comes to toxic behavior, we may find it easy to justify ourselves as individuals or a couple. We might say, “We’re not like that couple”. We could be quite correct in pointing out their toxic behaviors, but we are often blind to our own behaviors.

We could say the same of our spouse or partner. We might see their faults or toxic behaviors as clear as day but miss our own. That’s why we need to be slow to judge others, and quick to look at ourselves first.

It takes humility and a lot of hard work to look at ourselves and reflect on our own lives to see if we are exhibiting any toxic behaviors. That self-reflective work is the first port of call if we want to nurture healthy relationship behaviors. It’s helpful to identify some patterns of speaking to and about your spouse, how you express your emotions, and whether you honor your individuality and boundaries.

Nurturing healthy relationship behaviors is not just about identifying the issues; it’s also about building positive habits. Our words can be used to tear down, but they can also be used to build up, encourage, comfort, and express love. Find a couple whose relationship and walk you admire, and who can keep you accountable. Accountability can be a game-changer in building a healthy relationship.

Next Steps to Overcome Toxic Behaviors

You can also seek couples or marriage counseling in California. Your counselor can help you to identify toxic behaviors in your relationship, and they can help you to disrupt the thoughts and behaviors that feed into and cement these behaviors.

Through Christian counseling in California, you can improve your communication, work through your relationship trauma, set boundaries, and find new ways to relate to each other in healthy ways. Call our office today at California Christian Counseling to learn more.