Ways to Deal with Anger Before You Lose Control

Anger is a normal emotion, and occasionally, it can even be a healthy one, but when it is uncontrolled it can take a serious toll on your relationships and even on your health. Anger alerts us to the fact that something is wrong, which isn’t a bad thing in and of itself, but if we are not careful it can dominate our other emotions and leave destruction in its wake.

The Bible tells us, “Be angry and do not sin” (Psalm 4:4; Ephesians 4:26). Anger in-and-of-itself isn’t wrong, but our response to this emotion can be. That’s why it is so important that we learn to understand our anger and appropriate ways of responding to this emotion.

There is no quick fix to responding rightly to anger. Many methods could help a person to calm down in that moment of intensity, and these are worth trying to find those that work best for you. But it is also important to work at getting to the root of your anger in moments when you are calm so that you can be better equipped to respond appropriately when your emotions are at their most intense.

How to Deal with Anger Before You are Provoked

Become more self-aware and recognize the warning signs.

The first step to dealing with your anger is to observe yourself in those moments when you feel yourself losing control. Notice how your body reacts when you start to feel angry.

Physiological signs of anger include taking quick and shallow breaths, an elevated heart rate, feeling flushed or hot in the face, muscle tension, or clenched hands. When you notice the signs that you’re starting to feel angry, you have an opportunity to proactively do something before you lose control.

Identify your triggers.

The next step is to look back and reflect on the common situations or issues that you tend to react to with anger. Perhaps you tend to get angry when you don’t feel heard, or when the children don’t do what they are told the first time.

Perhaps you are more likely to be angry at a certain time of day when you are tired, or hungry. Knowing what it is that triggers your anger enables you to plan accordingly and, where necessary, find alternative ways to do things.

Change your routine.

By recognizing trigger points in your existing routine, you can identify things that may need to change. You may find that you can avoid getting angry by making small adjustments, like leaving earlier for work to avoid traffic, or choosing an alternate route to get there. It may mean carving out 15 minutes where the children are not allowed to bother you immediately after you get home from work.

Think about the timing.

Consider the timing of things that are hard for you. If you find it hard to have important conversations when you are tired, or to do certain tasks at busy times of day, then plan to do those things at times when you are less likely to be tired or flustered. It may mean planning to have important conversations when you are more rested or bathing the children before dinner instead of after.

Get enough sleep.

When you are tired, negative experiences tend to feel worse and your impulses are harder to control. Make sure that you are getting enough rest so that your body can better cope with your daily stressors. This may be particularly hard to do for mothers of young children but going to bed a little earlier or making time to take a nap can make a world of difference.

Don’t skip meals.

A person may feel more irritable when they are hungry, and as a result more prone to angry outbursts. Ensure that hunger isn’t a contributing factor to your anger by eating regular meals and having light snacks when you are hungry.

Evaluate your anger.

Good anger alerts you to the fact that something is wrong. If what you are angry about is a question of injustice or a situation that needs to change, it can be a good thing and may spur you on to taking action to change the negative situation.

But destructive anger causes a loss of control and distress, and it damages relationships. In these situations what needs to change is your emotional state and your own reactions.

Explore your feelings.

Anger is often a mask, hiding other emotions like frustration, disappointment, and hurt. In the long term, it is better to deal with the root of the problem by getting to the truth of what is underneath any outburst of anger. For this reason, it is important to stop and think about what feelings lie underneath, so that those feelings and the needs behind them can be better addressed.

Adjust your expectations.

When your expectations are not met it is often easy to react in anger. If you can reframe your expectations into desires, it may help you to extend more grace in moments of disappointment and to express your desires instead of your anger.

Instead of getting angry about a messy house, you could reframe your expectation, “I expect the house to be clean,” into a desire, “I would like the house to be clean”. This both takes the edge off your anger at the messy house but also reframes the problem into something that you can communicate calmly or do something about.

Build a calm down kit.

Another way to pre-emptively address your anger is by creating a calm down kit. A calm down kit is a collection of things that you prepare beforehand that will help you to calm down in that moment of intense emotion when it comes. The best things for a calm down kit are things that engage your senses.

Some things you could include might be a portable media device like an iPod or tablet with soothing music, a collection of peaceful images, scented lotion to rub onto your hands or a scented candle, some Bible passages to read, or candy to chew or suck on. That way, when you feel yourself starting to become angry, you can go to your calm down kit and take out something that will help you to refocus your mind and soothe your emotions.

Anger Management Skills You Can Work On

In addition to working on your self-awareness and making sure that you are well-rested, you could also focus on improving some skills that will help you deescalate before an angry outburst.

One of these skills is problem-solving. We often feel angry when things don’t go our way or when we feel out of control but being ready to problem solve in a tough situation can help shift the focus from the feelings of disappointment to finding a way to resolve the problem you face instead.

However, not every problem can be solved, and if you always expect a solution you can end up frustrated. Instead, you should focus on your response to the problems and on how to handle the situation and face the problem.

Become a better communicator.

Improving your communication skills can help you to deescalate instead of reacting in haste and anger. James 1:19 reminds us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. The first step in becoming a better communicator is being quick to listen and slow to speak.

We need to learn to not respond immediately; to stop, to pretend that our lips are zipped shut until we can properly understand the situation. We need to take our time before we answer and listen to understand the other person’s position.

People often use anger to avoid being hurt, so trying to understand what lies beneath another person’s actions may help us avoid responding in anger ourselves. We mustn’t jump to conclusions, but rather learn to ask questions and seek to understand rather than to judge.

Christian Counseling for Anger Issues

For some people, it may be helpful to work together with a friend, pastor, or counselor to identify triggers and learn better anger management skills. Learning to respond in a healthy way to feelings of anger is a process that takes time, and often having someone else to help keep you on task can help you avoid discouragement as well as help you to come up with strategies that will work well in your unique circumstances.