When You Love an Addict

“Almost twenty-one million have at least one addiction, yet only 10% receive treatment.” (see references) Drug and alcohol addiction steal thousands of lives every year. Addiction is a mental disorder in which someone can hardly function without using the substance. It is not only responsible for many crimes, deaths, and economic difficulties, it is also very damaging to relationships.

When someone loves an addict, he or she will inevitably experience a lot of pain and hardship in life. Certain behaviors often accompany addiction that directly affect relationships. Though people with addiction do not often have ill intent, they tend to act selfishly and deceitfully toward those they love. They are also usually struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and traumatic history.

Common Behaviors of Those with Addiction

Repetitive Lying

People with drug and alcohol addiction lie to cover up their substance misuse and mishandling of money. The lies build on more lies, and their loved ones learn quickly that they are not trustworthy. Lies can get so out of hand that addicts lose their jobs, and their close friends and family begin to pull away from them.

Poor emotion management

Often when someone is battling the deep sadness that comes with depression, the debilitating effects of anxiety and PTSD, and paralyzing traumatic memories, they turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. What then follows is further poor emotion management like losing one’s temper often or sleeping too much.

Because alcohol and drugs alter the state of the mind, it is quite difficult for someone who misuses them to maintain control over their emotions.

Narcissistic Behaviors

People battling drug and alcohol addiction will often neglect to see their wrongdoing or take responsibility for their addiction. They can be manipulative and controlling, and often blame others for things that are their fault. They can be the life of the party and seek the attention of others. When on a substance, they can be emotionally abusive, as well.

People close to them begin to get exhausted from this behavior, and if they are not codependent, they will stop allowing the hurtful behavior to continue. However, if they struggle with codependency, they will give in and allow the addict to put them down and blame them. They take on the addict’s responsibilities instead of allowing the addict in charge of himself.

They rescue addicts out of the consequences of their actions, bailing them out of jail when getting arrested for drug and alcohol-related crimes. They allow the addict to continue to live with them after the person has stolen from them. If someone fears they may be codependent, they can seek counseling to overcome these tendencies and move to a place of freedom. It is not healthy to allow an addict to lay his messes onto everyone else. At some point, he will have to take responsibility.

Mishandling of Money

This seems self-explanatory, but people with addiction will struggle to handle their money wisely. With a lot of money spent on substances, they often do not have what they need to pay their bills. They have been known to steal to get the money they need for substances. When they are desperate, they might even sell substances.

Addicts also tend to have difficulty keeping steady jobs. This greatly affects their close relationships because those are the people that suffer from this – their things are stolen; they must bail the addict out in various ways. The financial burden now falls on someone else to clean up behind them.

Withdrawal

People with an addiction will begin to withdraw from those they love, either because they are hiding the addictive behaviors or because they are getting more depressed because of the substance use and the side effects. Because of this, their loved ones are often unable to intervene when needed.

Physical Violence

Addicts can be harmful with their words toward their friends and family, but they can also get physically violent. Many domestic violence, physical, and sexual abuse cases occur when a person is under the influence of a substance.

If you or if someone you know has been physically or sexually hurt by someone (on a substance or not), please seek out help from local law enforcement or a professional counselor.

How to Cope with Loving an Addict

Get counseling

Loving someone with drug and alcohol addiction can take a heavy emotional toll on a person. Seeking counseling does not communicate that all the changes needed fall on one person’s shoulders; it simply will give a person a way to process their own experiences and feelings.

Therapy for loved ones of addicts can also teach someone how to set boundaries and consider the next steps in the situation. There may be things someone needs to grieve or learn to accept what they cannot change. Also, loving someone with an addiction can lead to anxiety, depression, stress, trauma, and more. A counselor can help wade through all of that.

Get involved with a support group

There are support groups for family and friends of addicts that are often helpful for people. Programs like Celebrate Recovery and Al-Anon provide resources for them. It can be quite comforting to remember that someone is not alone, that others understand the behaviors that come with addiction. There is power in the community.

Set and enforce strict boundaries

The need for clear, strict boundaries with addicts cannot be emphasized enough. This could look like telling them no when they ask for money or if they can sleep at your house for a while. This may mean being honest with them about how their actions have affected you.

It could be not allowing them around your family until they decide to get treatment. It could be calling them out on their lies. Boundaries are meant for one’s protection and another’s growth. It could be letting them stay in jail instead of bailing them out. When no one sets boundaries with addicts, they will continue their hurtful behavior.

Encourage treatment

Because their behaviors can greatly impact those whom they love (not to mention the damage addiction brings to themselves), addicts need professional help to be able to overcome them. They will not be able to do it alone, and they must receive effective treatment. Encourage them to get help.

Many will also choose to set a limit, that their relationship will be over if the other does not seek treatment. This person needs help to deal with this very real problem, and there is hope. Many people have become sober and have made amends with those whom they have hurt.

They can lead lives free from substances and continue a healthy journey. However, they usually cannot get there on their own. There are rehabilitation and treatment centers, intensive outpatient facilities, support groups, and more.

Keep money separate from them

Do not share a bank account or allow the addict to have access to your credit cards or account information. It may also be wise to keep valuables locked away for a while. Though the person may have a heart of gold, their addiction can make them do things highly out of character. It is better to keep your finances safe. It is also wise to not continually give them money when they ask because they misuse money so often.

One should not feel pressure to end a relationship with someone with drug or alcohol addiction, and there is still hope for them to overcome it. Nothing is impossible with God. They can change, grow, and heal, and their relationships can, too. God has always been in the business of restoring broken people, and your loved ones are no different.

The hurt is real, but so is the hope. There is a moment when it is too late, so do not wait to encourage them to seek treatment, but if they refuse, it may be time for more strict boundaries. Do not neglect yourself in light of helping them.